ugh so i dont even like looking at my posts on here anymore, i feel so sad and pathetic for letting stupid boys get the best of me so much back then. like it sickens me to see how affected and troubled i was! i wanna slap myself in the face for dwelling on it. but its whatever, it was important to me back then and ive learned a lot from those times. for example:
1) if someone wants to talk to you, they will. the phone line goes both ways.
2) don’t feel guilty for losing touch with people; it happens. not everyone stays in each others lives forever and if your presence was important to them, they’d make an effort to keep you around.
3) you don’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.
4) don’t fight to stay in people’s lives, if they wanted you there then you would be.
5) how you feel about yourself is always priority before how anyone feels about you.
6) you dont need “closure” to move on. yeah sometimes it’s nice to be able to metaphorically close the door on something but life doesnt always work that way and damn right you’re going to survive without closing the door, just walk past it.
7) don’t water a dead flower.
8) stop convincing yourself that it’s wrong to feel the way you do.
9) stop believing you owe something to someone.
10) stop second guessing yourself.
11) stop believing it’s okay to live without a shoulder to cry on or a person to talk to or a person to offer you hugs.
12) stop convincing yourself that your entire life is some karmic payback cycle and that everything you fucking do will come back to you, that because you stopped texting that one sort of nice guy in high school because you just didn’t want to talk and you couldn’t explain it to him without feeling like a bitch is the reason why the guy you practically fell for in a couple days never replied to you and just dropped you from his world.
seriously just stop thinking you deserve everything thats happened to you because i honestly dont think everyone in this life gets what they deserve and you’re foolish for sitting here contemplating every move you’ve ever made trying to pinpoint at exactly what point your life went wrong for you because life isn’t right or wrong, it’s just life. yeah there’s actions and consequences and causes and effects but just because it didn’t work out with one thing doesn’t mean the sun isn’t going to rise in the east and not reach the west. you need to start thinking differently because all you have is you. at the end of the day when everything is silent and everyone is sleeping, whose voice is telling you tomorrow is a new day? yours. when you’re just a little sad and you shed a tear in the shower because no one will notice and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, who wipes it away even though the water will wash it away? you. when you come into work crying because life just sucks sometimes and you know if you let someone care about you you will completely break down, who calms you down and gets you to relax? you.
i dont know why i feel the way i do. i dont know when it started but i miss the old me. i feel like i was better at handling things and i wasn’t so set on finding a guy to be with and i was happy to just be going to school or to work or whatever. you totally threw me off and im so mad at you for that. im so mad that ive repressed all this and i didnt talk to you about it. im so mad that you didnt give me the chance to talk to you about it and im so mad that you decided not texting me back was the easiest way to go about it. im so mad that you will never know how much you hurt me. im mad that it hurt me that much! im not going to deny it though. you hurt me. really bad. im mad that the way i have to get over you is the same as everyone else: delete your number, stop remembering the good times, stop remembering that you exist and that you’re out there. thats literally all i can do, is move on. somehow. its just so hard because there’s nothing i can be really mad at you for. i mean with ethan it was cause the whole chivy thing. he never changed so i did and now im over it and now i pity where he’s at. with martin it was because he changed to this weird physically demanding boy who i wanted nothing to do with so now im over it. with erick it was because he was childish and couldn’t deal with me or with jazmine and i didn’t need that in my life so i got over it. with you it’s hard! what do i have to go off? the slight notion that there might have been someone else?? okay lol we knew each other for like a month and it was not that serious and if there was someone else then okay cool im fine. literally all i can be mad about is how shallow you were to write me off because i didnt kiss you. thats all i can be mad at you for. the fact that you didnt listen to me when i said i didnt know how to be physical with you and it wasn’t cause i didnt want to but because i didnt want to become more attached. ugh im so fucking pissed and bitter! im so attached to my phone hoping you’ll text me! im so mad that you dont care more. im so mad. and im tired of being mad. really tired of it. i cant believe i texted you on christmas like i dont even know what i was hoping to get out of that. i was hoping i would remind you of my witty humor and my easygoingness and you would sort of miss me and kinda regret ditching me. but nope. none of that happened. you did the same thing you had been doing and just didnt text me back. i deleted your number again and i cant wait until that urge to talk to you goes away. i cant wait to stop periodically checking your insta hoping you’ve posted or been tagged. i cant wait to stop being obsessed with you, or what we had or what we could have had. i cant wait to be over you! i know the day will come and i cant wait for it. i really want this to be different than the others. i want to be able to say “oh yeah we just didn’t work out, it happens” and thats it. i dont want any bitterness towards you or any harsh feelings, i even wanted to be your friend because you’re that cool but i don’t think thats possible lol ugh anyways this felt pretty good to get out. its whatever. im getting over it.